How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think I died a long time ago.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
