People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
