Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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