It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
