i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
