My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
