somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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