I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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