I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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