So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
