remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
