is your mom at the bar?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
