What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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