this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
