I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
