sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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