and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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