Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
