I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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