I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
