yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I need a burrito and a hug.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
