and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
