I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
