I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
