I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
