So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So many bounce houses so little time
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I want her autograph on my taint
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
