Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
