Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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