oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
They have beer where we have blood.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
