quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
