Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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