I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
