I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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