I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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