Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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