Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
