I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
