You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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