you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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