remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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