If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
