I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
