yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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