he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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