fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
