I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
