she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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