do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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