i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
