I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
