Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
