I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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