new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We had to coat check the pizza.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
