dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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