It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
