i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
