They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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