goodnight i made you a song goodbye
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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