you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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