you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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